Running

I think it's safe to say I loathe running. I've been running on and off for thirty years. I don't recall ever feeling a "runner's high." It's more like a "runner's nausea" or "Oh my Lord, I can't believe I haven't vomited, yet!" kind of feeling.

I started running long distances when I was in High School. My school (South Lewis Jr-Sr High) was small enough that boys only had two choices for fall sports: Football or Cross Country running. I never felt comfortable playing football. I felt I was too small and frankly, I didn't want to get hit and knocked down to the ground. I wanted to remain active and stay in shape for my sport of choice in the winter: Ski Team. So, I chose Cross Country and suffered for the entire season.

I ran. I was part of a team. I loved my team. I ran with the greatest bunch of people and I am glad to have had this experience with them. My team often carried me both mentally and spiritually. We motivated each other as much as a bunch of teenagers could. But, I loathed running. No matter how great my team was, they couldn't compensate for my hatred of running. Big Sprints, Hills, and distance training. I hated them all. As I think back, I struggle with coming up with what I hated most. I think I hated them all equally.

I showed up. I never skipped practice. I ran in every single meet. I tried. I ran. I never excelled. I was never going to be a world-class runner. I was in the last of the pack in every single race. Yet, I never felt like a loser. My team, my coach, even my school wouldn't let me think that about myself. No one was ever picked on for coming in last. Not once.

I even continued to run as an adult. I have participated in the Richmond 10k. I have a very competitive spirit but I'll never, ever run fast or finish in the top 50%. I must be broken in the head. Why did I keep doing this to myself?

Admittedly, it's a great way to exercise. I get it. My body generally responds well to this type of exercise. My mind, however, rebels against it. I'd love to be "a runner" but I will never, ever, achieve that status. I'll just be a guy who occasionally runs and hates every single step.

Why did I do this?

My High School Cross Country coach, Mr. Cliff Cranker, once wrote a recommendation letter on my behalf. I wish that I had kept a copy of it. It was kind and very motivational. I'll paraphrase and hope to encompass the spirit of his words.

"Garth will never be a fantastic runner. He shows up. He tries his very best. He doesn't hold back. He motivates his teammates. He never gives less than 100% even though he knows his results won't reflect his efforts."

Running saved my life. If I hadn't been running after my dog, Noel, three years ago, I am certain I would have never experienced my first symptom. I was sick but had no idea that I was in danger. I would have never visited the doctor afterwards. I would have discovered my cancer much later, if at all, and it may have been too late for me.

How many of us have a futile battle ahead? How many of us have seemingly insurmountable obstacles? How many of us would rather choose to throw in the towel? It's easier to not try, especially when the odds are stacked against us.

I'm here to say sometimes the results don't matter. Sometimes it's the struggle and how you approach that struggle that matters most. Don't give up before you take that first step. Don't let your mind talk you out of starting, even though you are staring at the impossible.

Sometimes you don't have to win to be successful.

I'm going to go grab my running shoes. I'll see you on the trails.

Clichés

God never gives you more than you can handle.

Really? Really?!?

I have been diagnosed with cancer four times. I have had two surgeries. I have nine scars across my abdomen. I take medicine that is absolutely destroying my body. Either He thinks I have the strength and tenacity of a superhero or that saying is absolutely wrong. (I'll give you a hint - there are no capes in my wardrobe.)

I have joked about God and Noah. "And God said to Noah, 'Make yourself an ark of gopher wood.'" and then described the dimensions and construction layout for the arc. He was also kind enough to share the fundamental purpose of the arc with Noah. Noah "did all that God commanded him." Did Noah sit around and wonder about this? Did he over analyze it? No. He got to work and built the darned arc with a sense of purpose. We don't know if he had ever even picked up a hammer before this project. He just got to work. Quickly.

Did God give him more than he could handle, or did he push him up to his limits and beyond?

God never gives you more than you can handle.

That's utter BS.

But I never had a good answer, until the other day.

A dear friend of mine, Steve, shared with me something he had learned, and I can't thank him enough. I desperately needed to hear what he had to say.

At a recent Sunday night youth group worship, our youth pastor was talking about Christian cliches, specifically "God won't give you more than you can handle."  And he point-blank, nearly shouted, "That's a lie!! He will ABSOLUTELY give you more than you can handle. The bible is FILLED with stories where people were given more than they could handle!"  

Then more softly he concluded, "but He will never give you more than HE can handle."

Or as Father Dan said, "He has shoulders big enough to handle that."

Thanks, Steve. I really needed to hear that message.

Faith on YouTube

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You Gotta Have Faith

It's time.

I have shied away from talking fully about my faith and how it has transformed through my cancer journey. I have always believed that faith is a very personal thing. I am reluctant to bring it up in a discussion first. I need to get over myself because it's such an important part of my journey. I have felt God calling to me three times this year and he is clearly using me. 

Faith Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym73e9iwKZM&feature=youtu.be 

When I was first diagnosed with kidney cancer in 2011, I was angry and bitter with God. I was mad, not for myself, but for the thought that I might be ripped away from my family. I was mad at the thought Emma might have to grow up with out her dad. How could I even begin to think this situation was remotely acceptable? 

I stayed away from Mass. I stayed away from my friends from church. I avoided any mention of God. I certainly was not a faith leader to my family. I didn't have the spiritual strength to do that and deal with my feelings surrounding my cancer diagnosis. 

I sat down with Father Dan after my 2nd cancer diagnosis. I wanted some insight to prostate cancer and I knew that he had some experience with that disease. During the conversation, he looked at me and frankly asked, "Are you angry with God?" Holy crap! How could I even remotely answer that?!? I was sitting in the priest's office. I couldn't lie and say "no" and I didn't want to say "yes" and commit blasphemy. I started to tear up, and a few seconds later the tears came down freely. He knew. "It's ok. He can handle it. He has strong shoulders." 

I slowly started to turn back to God. I joined the Knights of Columbus. Well, they invited me. God was clearly working through Terry when has asked me to attend a meeting. This group of men exists to help the church and other charitable causes in the community. It gave me an outlet to exercise charity. I was able to focus a little less on myself and a little bit more on others. 

1

In January, I went back to Mass. I listened. I really listened for a message. The gospel that day was from Matthew and told of Christ's walk along the sea of Galilee. He was calling to his future disciples. "Throw down your nets. Come! Follow me and I will make you fishers of men." What was God saying to me? What did he want. I thought. I prayed. I contemplated. I felt God was confirming my path. I was supposed to continue writing Napkin Notes and inspiring parents to join in. I was going to be an example for anyone that would pay attention.

2

Earlier this summer, I was in Mass. I was having a difficult time with life. My side effects were out of control and I felt awful. I was busy editing the book. I didn't feel like I was fulfilling my mission of inspiring parents to write Napkin Notes. Some of that was because it was summer and I wasn't writing many notes to Emma. As I sat in Mass, I clearly heard one message. God doesn't start something unless he plans on finishing. I took that message to heart and it fueled me. I was beginning to like this listening thing. 

3

I was having a rough day. I had too much on my plate. Emma had a volleyball match at 5:30 at a neighboring high school. I needed to join a conference call at 5:30. I planned on leaving work right at 5 so I could drive to the school, take the call in the parking lot and rush into the match. I would hopefully get to see the last game. I was feeling pressured and I hate not being present for Emma's events. 

I came to a stoplight and just let loose. I was so frustrated with my life. I couldn't handle everything. I started to pound on my steering wheel and prayed. "God, I need some direction and clarity. I have too much going on. I believe that Your mission for me is to foster Napkin Notes. If it's not, that's ok. But I need some direction and clarity, and I need it today." I had never prayed so directly. Not ever. 

Three hours later my agent called with the news - In a preemptive deal, New Line Cinema was optioning the film rights for our book, Napkin Notes. How could I not hear this from Him? Even someone as dense as me could hear this. 

I have been called. I get it. I am really ok with it. I know that my purpose has been chosen and I wholeheartedly embrace it. Pack. Write. Connect. 

Available at Barnes&Noble in hardback and NOOK - http://goo.gl/hcxGuL

Available on Amazon.com in hardback and Kindle - http://goo.gl/0b82T9

Available on iBooks - http://goo.gl/gfSQcy 

Available at your independent book store

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16 Months

I like numbers. I feel comfortable with math. I just wrote a post entitled By The Numbers even! We're going to talk about some numbers in a very frank way this evening. I pray I can get through this and actually have the courage to post. This will take me a bit to get through the story. I hope you can make it to the end. It's important. 

I met with a new doctor last week. Nothing has changed with my health, but I feel I owe it to my family to make sure our "Plan B" (and C, D, E, F, G...) is solid, ready-to-go and agreed upon should we have to scrap Plan A. My Plan A is taking Votrient daily. It seems to be working well, although we haven't seen any improvement since June. (We also haven't seen growth or spread, so that's good!)

The new doctor spoke frankly with us, and I appreciated his candor.  We didn't dance around my health or the fact that I have metastatic kidney cancer. (That's bad, by the way!) 

He didn't want to talk about 5-year survival rates. He wanted to talk about the median lifespan. He felt that speaking about average life-span skews the numbers because there are some that will live for quite some time with no recurrence. The median is the middle. 50% of the numbers come before the middle and 50% come after the middle. 

The median life span for someone with metastatic kidney cancer to the liver is 12 months. 

(pause, breathe) 

Yeah, the blood drained from my face when I heard those words. For those of you counting, my metastasis were found in February 2014. I can do that math in my head. And I took about 0.3 seconds to realize what was being said. With the current "Plan A" we can add 3-4 months.

16 Months. 

I need a "Plan B" that's strong. We're working on it. At some point in time my current plan will lose its efficacy. The cancer, if it's still there, will grow and spread. If "Plan A" works and it's not there then we can start to talk about a longer future. Even with a successful "Plan B" I have a 50% chance of recurrence. 50%. 

Why am I sharing this seemingly bad news? I have never held back. I am open, honest, raw. This is my life. This experience with cancer is what drives me to write, to connect, to inspire. I want you to create action. Do something that matters. Write a note. Reconnect with a long lost college roommate. Mow your neighbor's lawn. Call your grandmother. Recognize someone in need and help them. Step out of your normal life for 5 minutes and make a change. 

Do not wait until your doctor looks you in the eye and delivers critical news. 

(I am NOT asking for your personal intervention for me. We're covered for now, but there are plenty of people in your community that could use a hand.) 

About The Napkin Notes Book "The point of Napkin Notes wasn't me, or even that I was dying. It was that everyone could be a Napkin Note dad. Everyone could take five minutes every day to do something special for the people they love." —NAPKIN NOTES 

Available on B&N.com in hardback and NOOK - http://goo.gl/hcxGuL

Available on Amazon.com in hardback and Kindle - http://goo.gl/0b82T9

Available on iBooks - http://goo.gl/gfSQcy 

Available at your independent book store

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Napkin Notes - The Book

Well, it finally happened! It hasn't even been one week and the excitement is still building! I can't begin to describe the feelings I experienced as October 28 came around. It was just like any day in the past few months, with one exception. 

I woke up early, and immediately ascertained what I thought my energy output might be for the day. I thought it might be slightly above average. That was a good thing considering what was ahead. 

It was the day I had waited for since February. I met with the team at HarperCollins right after we recorded the Rachael Ray Show segment. I shared with them my recent cancer diagnosis. Lisa Sharkey put the meeting on pause and made a quick call to someone at Memorial Sloan Kettering. She wanted to make sure I saw some doctors there before, well, you know. We also agreed that it was better to get my book out this year. Sooner is always better than later when you have metastatic kidney cancer! 

We set out to finish a first draft in about 80 days. It was tough. Draining. I had to resurface memories and emotions I had worked hard to move past. How many times did I have to relive telling Emma and Lissa I had cancer? I needed to share my experiences with you. 

It was worth it! I am extremely proud of the book, and I couldn't be happier with the design HarperCollins created. It's beautiful. 

The HarperCollins team visited us recently to film some promo videos. They were supposed to bring a dummy book, but somehow they tricked me! This video shows the first time I hold my actual book. 

I hope you can take time out of your day to read this. It's a call to action. Life is short. Do what you're meant to do. Be what you're meant to be. 

Pack. Write. Connect. 

http://bit.ly/ZWXfDz 

little big things

It's 2:30 am and an incredibly busy week is winding down. I find myself "celebrating" on the sofa with 7-UP and oyster crackers, hoping to stem violent outbursts from both sides of my body. 

I keep telling myself it's all part of the treatment. It's just temporary. I can muscle through it. If I can't handle this, then how can I handle the tougher things to follow? 

Then I think back. I've been through  some unbelievable tough situations: a medical emergency in a foreign country, basic training, S.E.R.E. (US military survival school), and my first cancer surgery. 

This, by far, is the most difficult physical challenge I've ever experienced. 

If you know someone in cancer treatment, I implore you to take action today. Rake their yard. Make a dinner. Offer to go to the grocery store and pick up something. Get some books or videos from their library. Walk their dog. Vacuum their house. Take down their Halloween decorations. 

It doesn't have to be anything big. It can be a little thing. 

It's not about big things. It's about little big things. 

http://amzn.to/1pVa4oB 

By the Numbers

I am a geek. I love Star Wars, lightsabers, math, science, reading, learning, and outer space. When I first introduce myself, I feel comfortable going back to my roots. Numbers. 

I think I am a fairly average guy. I am 45 years old. I am 5'10" and weigh 170. I have been married for almost 18 years. I have a 15 year old daughter. I have probably written and packed around 1500 Napkin Notes. 

In November 2011 I was diagnosed with Clear Cell Renal Carcinoma, the most common form of kidney cancer. It was a 13cm tumor that mostly enveloped my left kidney. (I have pictures although I have never actually looked at them.) The kidney and tumor were removed. The cancer was Stage I, Fuhrman Grade 3.

There were approximately 1.6 million new cancer cases in 2011. I was one. 

There were approximately 63,000 new kidney cancer cases in 2011. The average age of diagnosis is 64. I was 42. I was one. 

In August 2012 I was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  My Gleason score was 6. I had multiple biopsies with a total of 32 samples taken. 1 sample showed cancerous cells.

There were approximately 230,000 new prostate cancer cases in 2012. The average age of diagnosis is 66. I was 43. I was one. 

In October 2013 I was diagnosed with kidney cancer on my left adrenal gland. It was about 2.5cm and had clearly metastasized from my original tumor. Stage IV. It was removed via surgery. Statistically speaking, Stage IV kidney cancer patients have an 8% 5-year survival rate. (How's that number grab ya?) 

In February of 2014 I was diagnosed with kidney cancer that had spread to the liver and my right adrenal gland. The spread was too wide to correct via surgery. I currently am in an program that is "like" chemo taken at home in a pill form. 

As of October 2014, we've seen a fantastic reduction with many of the lesions, but there are 2 stubborn ones sticking around. They must love me! 

Even with all of these numbers and statistics, there are two that need to be talked about. They are, in fact, the two most important in my life. 

826 and 1. 

826 - In December of 2013, I began secretly writing enough Napkin Notes to get my daughter, Emma, through high school graduation in the event I couldn't be here to complete the job in person. I am happy to say that I am still writing daily notes and plan on doing so for quite some time. 

1 - I am a statistic of one. No matter what I read, no matter what the statistics say, I will beat this. 

Thank you for walking the path with me. Thank you for supporting my family in this journey. We couldn't do this alone. 

Pack. Write. Connect.