The Waiting Game

I sit in the waiting room of St. Mary's. I have been here before, but it doesn't quite feel like "home." I haven't had any food for 6 hours and I am starting to get just a little cranky. I am definitely dehydrated. I have a short, 45 minute appointment ahead of me.

I am waiting for my MRI, a scan that will show me what is going on inside of my abdomen. I am slightly anxious. I had cancer lesions on my liver and adrenal gland. We need to see what's happening today. I just want to get this over with so I can go home, eat, and take my meds. It will be some time until I have my results. I just want this process to be finished. I need some sleep.

It's been some time since I have posted something besides my daily Napkin Note. I started to receive some emails and calls a couple of weeks ago from kind souls asking if I was ok. I am ok. I have some good days and I have some bad days. Overall, I am not feeling fantastic. I started a drug therapy program in February that is frankly kicking my butt. It's a great drug, and the leading indication is that it is killing the cancer. I knew it wasn't going to be an easy ride. The side effects are somewhat problematic:

• Diarrhea - check! double check!! triple check!!!
• Tiredness - check!
• Nausea - check! 
• Change in hair color - check!
• Loss of taste - check! (Most things taste like they're Black & White but I want to eat in a HD world!)
• Vomiting - just once, but holy crap it was awful
• Loss of appetite - check! (I have lost about 20 pounds)
• Pain on the right side of stomach area (abdomen) - check!
• Bruise easily - check!
• Irregular or fast heartbeat - check! 
• Fainting
• Bleeding problems - check! (Bloody nose!)
• High blood pressure - check!
• Thyroid problems - check!

I am thankful, yes, thankful to be taking this medicine. It represents the best possible chance for me to beat cancer. It certainly comes with some challenges. I'll take them each and every day.

Someone asked me if this was chemo. It's not. Technically, it's not anywhere close to chemo. However, it's easy to say that it's "like chemo" except that I take this every day, and I don't really get a break. I don't experience all of the side effects at the same time, but I certainly am plagued with some of the tougher ones.

I may take this for the rest of my life. Think about that for a second before you move on.

I may take this for the rest of my life. What would you do? You'd take the darned medicine. Give your body a chance to win! Live! Raise your kids! Change the world!

What would you do to live?

This, this is what I do. Medically, it's what I'll likely do for the rest of my life.

And through this chaos of medicine and side effects, I'll take a breath. I'll pack Emma's lunch. I'll write a Napkin Note. I'll connect with her one more time.

Pack. Write. Connect.

Napkin Note: Dear Emma

Napkin Note:
Dear Emma, Be the type of person that makes everyone you come across feel perfectly ok with being exactly who they are.
Love, Dad

Pack. Write. Connect.

Special thanks to Julie Frary Keough for the inspiration!

Napkin Note: Dear Emma

Special thanks to my new friend, Joel, and his daughter for this inspiration!

Pack. Write. Connect.

Napkin Note: Dear Emma

A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms. Love, Dad

Pack. Write. Connect.

Six Words I Need to Say to Emma

I was introduced to Rachel Macy Stafford, the Hands Free Mama, through a blog post, "Six Words You Should Say Today" and developed a deep appreciation for her parenting style. I also immediately started using her phrase, "I love to watch you play" whenever I could. Those words make a difference in my life, and I hope they make a difference for Emma, too.

I added a new phrase to my tool bag this week. Coincidentally, there are six words in this new phrase. I will say this phrase over and over.

Emma was at a sleepover with one of her softball teams. I was excited for her. This team is made up of incredibly talented girls who are also the best sports in the league. Everyone is lifted higher during their games, even the spectators.

We were warned that the house had a few animals, and Emma can have reactions from time to time. It could be a long night. As luck would have it, Emma was having some trouble early in the evening, and we collectively decided that it would be a better idea for Emma to come home.

I left our house at 10 PM to go fetch her. I was tired. It had been a long day and I am usually asleep by 10 PM on a normal day. Honestly, my meds are kicking my butt, and rest is important, but not as important as my daughter. I drove the 25 minutes, in the dark, without a single thought of my fatigue. I was happy to make this trip.

Emma hopped into my truck as I asked if she was ok.  She replied, "I'd never make it the whole night. Thank you for coming to get me."

I looked her in the eye and simply said, "I will always come get you." She kind of nodded her head, and I repeated it. "I will always come get you." She thought that I believed she didn't hear me, and she acknowledged my statement.  I knew she heard me, but I needed her to listen to me.

"I will always come get you."

I held her hand for a moment and let her internalize what I meant. She slowly nodded as she understood. She smiled.

I then listed some of the reasons why I might need to come get her: a flat tire, a bad date, homesickness, or even a friend that had too much to drink and shouldn't get behind the wheel ...

"I will always come get you."

I am your dad, and I will be there. Call me, no questions asked, at least until your home safely. I will never say "no."

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Napkin Note Classic

Today you are You that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is youer than You. - Dr. Seuss

Pack. Write. Connect.

The Merchery Shirt

I am happy to thank The Merchery in Syracuse, NY. They designed a Napkin Note Shirt to coincide with the benefit event held in my hometown of Port Leyden, NY, on 4/26. They did an awesome job!

I am touched by their generosity! Please thank them, too!